Impatient her…

She is still waiting… For that new beginning, for which she’s been prepping, all this time… She has sub zero patience, and yet, still she’s waiting….

Someone once told her, it’s good that she is honest to her feelings… When she falls in love, she knows no boundaries. She will leave no stone unturned showing you how she feels. She’ll spare no moment pampering you with all the affection she’s got. She undresses her own heart, so much that you will be blinded with the brightness of the naked soul. Not everyone can handle crystal clarity.

In this world of pretences, people like her are rare. When she spends time with you, she scars you with memories. It’s impossible to forget her. She’ll come in like a tornado, destroy everything, and leave with permanent imprints. She’s like a shot of adrenaline, keeping you on your toes all the time.

You are bound to feel overwhelmed around her. Such a strong persona… Mostly you are awed by her charm. She’s pretty, she’s comfortable in her skin, she carries herself well. She knows her flaws and is not afraid to accept them. She is happy and content with what she has got. She is a free bird, with no rules. No abiding forces.

She’s strong. She’s crazy. She’s intelligent. She’s emotional. She’s impulsive. She’s got plethora of experiences and stories. She’s made many mistakes. She’s paid for them. She’s learnt her lessons. She’s managed to fight the battles of her life, each failure, every obstacle making her stronger.

You might think that she is high maintenance… But she does a good job maintaining herself. She doesn’t need you to hold her bags while she shops. She can live by herself. She can survive by herself. She can travel by herself. She has handled most complicated situations by herself. And she enjoys doing things by herself. She understands the meaning of personal space. She values it. She needs her own me-time.

She will respect you for what you are, with your shortcomings, she will support you in your life goals. She will be your backbone when you are feeling low, she will push you to do better things. She’ll guide you when your’re in doubt. She is the kind of a girl, who you can take home to meet your parents, and who you can party with endlessly; she is sensible enough to know when to be what. She can be the idealistic good girl, and deviant woman, like you want, like you need.

She’s the most independent girl you’ll ever meet in your life. Don’t get it wrong, not pseudo independent, in reality she’s all alone. She doesn’t need anyone for getting tasks done. She just needs someone to hold her once in a while, and tell her she’s gonna be OK. She’s still waiting… For someone to understand her, and be there for her, be her home ground, for when she comes back home, she can sleep peacefully, knowing that she can be loved. Still waiting…

Still waiting…

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Depression

There’s that feeling when everything comes crushing down.  That feel of being worthless, hopeless, useless. 

There’s crying. Without reason. Without warning. 

There’s need for validation. 

There’s sleeping. Or drugs, or alcohol, or nicotine. Whatever keeps you away from the reality. 

There’s grey. Lot of grey.  Everything is gloomy. Even on the brightest of days, there’s no light. 

No cheers this time… Only depression! 

Fair Tale

He was living a routine life. One would say he had everything what a 26 year old desires – decent job, roof on head in expensive city like Mumbai, a girlfriend of four years, parents back in a small town 700kms away from the city. A happy life all in all. 

In this digital era the only place where he let himself loose was Twitter. There nobody knew him, he would follow anyone, comment on anything, and post random meaningless things. It was his happy place. Nobody would judge him there. He would even forget what he has liked a few hours ago. Like that phone conversation you had when you were drunk, it didn’t mean anything. 

One day he got a message on Twitter, a girl, whose random tweet he’d liked, had dropped a message. Because they had same profession, and were from the same city – or same city as per his Twitter bio. So two things in common, profession, city. Hmm… Not bad… It doesn’t hurt to talk to someone… Might’ve been helpful professionally. And again, who doesn’t reply to pretty girl’s messages?! 

And it began… His downfall. First day the conversation started on a higher level, but maybe it was because of the excitement of talking to a stranger with something in common. As they got to know eachother, it dawned upon him that they had more than those couple of things in common. They had exactly same ambition, same style of living, same choice of poisons, similar  weaknesses, same kinks, same highs and same lows. 

It was scary, like someone had hacked into his life, and was deliberately trying to match with his likes and dislikes. Is that what people talk about, when they say “it just clicks”. Well, it was fucking clicking non stop then. Real conversations, which do not happen anymore, the urge to get to know the other person. It was all intriguing, the connection was too strong. So strong, that he almost forgot about his girlfriend. 

By day four, it was as if they were two sides of the same coin, jigsaw pieces that fit right in. He told his girlfriend about this Twitter girl he’s been talking to, and she was quite cool with it. Not like anything had happened. They hadn’t even met. So technically there was no cheating. “Technically!”

These technicalities were screwing with his head. When they spoke on call, it was like they’ve known each other for ages. The conversation flow was naturally smooth. Like they were meant to talk and discuss anything and everything under the Sun. Not once either had to ask “what else”, neither in first call, nor during any calls that followed thereafter. 

Singing was his hobby. The Twitter girl had become the biggest fan of his voice. He sent her few voice clips first. And then she demanded he should sing on call, he complied. It was like a medicinal dose for her essential for her survival. His voice was soothing, he had received well deserved compliments before, but this time he wanted her to listen to him… She did, eyes closed, lost in the peace that came with the tune. 

Things weren’t sure about his girlfriend, he didn’t know what to do with weird connection he had stumbled upon. Technicalities were acting like a wall. What if this was just an infatuation? What if there’s no compatibility if they really start dating? What if he looses his current girlfriend for something which might not happen or ever work out? What if they weren’t as compatible in routine life as they were during the conversations? What if the hype of this connection didn’t match up in real life? 

He did what any other guy in this situation would do. Ignore the girl. He stopped replying to her texts and calls. She was single, and after this blast of a connection, almost on the verge of falling in love with him. They needed each other. To achieve that common, overly ambitious dream of theirs. They were a perfect supporting system for each other. But these overwhelming feelings and magnetism came in between. 

She asked him for one day, without technicalities. He was tempted to try that out… He was only afraid of what if it doesn’t stop at one day?! And how can he explain it to his girlfriend? He felt guilty, for wanting to talk to Ms. Twitter. One week ago, his life was simple, normal, and happy. He didn’t feel the need to talk to someone he hasn’t even met. He was wondering how he had survived all these years without knowing this girl. Neither of them believed in soulmates. 

It was getting difficult with every passing day. His good old “ignore and move on”  routine didn’t work. There wasn’t any particular trigger which made it hard, it was just the thought of her, and what it could be like that was intriguing. Usually it takes a day, two maximum to get over any crush. But this in this case, a whole week wasn’t enough. The hormones were raging all time high. 

With the overpowering magnetism, they decided to give it one day. They deserved to know what it could have been. 

But this wasn’t a fairy tale. This was real life. And life isn’t fair. It doesn’t have happy ending. Happy endings are for the stories that haven’t finished yet! This is a fair tale. Wherein they didn’t really meet. All the questions remain unanswered. He didn’t want to feel like this, he was used to being in control of the situation. Being clueless didn’t suit him well. So he called it off. Knowing someone for ten days wouldn’t matter in the big picture really. 

And they lived happily ever after. 


Pattern

How unpredictable everything is. There are no definite patterns for anything really. Even if we try to label things, group similar situations, behavioral patterns, you can never predict how you’re gonna react to what comes next. Life! Harder I try to take control, worse it becomes. 

I am tired of commenting on society patterns, the oh so judging commenting people. But I’m those people for others… Aren’t I? Did I do anything differently? Maybe I think I did. But facts are different. Who knows?! Maybe I did. 

There are no patterns whatsoever. Grey zone doesn’t entertain any pattern. There are exceptions, and then those become a pattern. I am trying to love the unpredictability. Bring it on you bitch (life) …. I am strong enough to take you on… Presenting my thoughts to the world… Out in the open. Don’t care… Don’t give a fuck. Don’t give a damn about anything else other than my peace of mind. 

No more patterns. No more holding onto what has happened till now… New day, new start, new life, nee unpredictable events! 

Cheers to patterns in the past to which I bid goodbye! 

Again

Hi, hello, hey there…

Cheesy lines, attention grabbed, impression made.

I am this, I am that. I have done this, I have done that.

This is my history, geography, philosophy.

I like this, I like that. I want to do this, I want to do that.

Let’s do this. Let’s do that.

Expectations, sparks, clashes, hopes, dreams, doubts, realities.

Reminiscence, moments, thoughts shared.

Scared to take the plunge, scared to lose it all…

Pessimistic me, hopeless him.

What next? Pace up? Peace out?

Thousand means of communication, no conversation.

Reading old chats, seeing old pictures.

Not enough, not helping, not moving on.

Strangers, now with memories.

and we start over… again!

Dream

We all met while traveling. Never thought that we would be so closely knit as we are today.
First few meetings were only during treks, or camping trips. Then the frequency increased, we started meeting for planning trips, booking tickets, movies, dinner, etc.

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